'JAUNDICED OF CLAREMONT' had a new boiler fitted recently. The work did not go according to plan. He now has efficient central heating but no flat left to heat it with. Recorded here are the CORGI-registered gas engineer's occasional words of wisdom and comfort as the disaster unfolded.
Kettle time!
See, I kenned as soon as I come in through the door it was gonnae be a disaster.
Ye've got lead pipes. They'll jist burst under pressure.
It's gut wrenchin.
Ye realise the whole flair needs up?
It's heart breakin.
[On the phone to a colleague] Aye, it's all lead pipes, see? Aye. Aye. Miles o' 'em ... [Hangs up] Right, sir, ye're gonnae huv tae sign a form – it's aboot the extra expense.
Whit a nightmare, eh? Whaur d'ye keep yer milk?
Right, that's me aff tae Sighthill then. I've tae pick up some stuff cos the computer's doon.
I'm losin the plot noo, I'm losin it.
At least yer kettle's workin.
It's jist one bloody thing aifter another, no?
Hoo d'ye want yer panellin pulled aff?
I blame yer missus. She said it wid be finished the day. She's jinxed it.
I'll bet ye never thought it wis gonnae be this bad, did ye?
Ye must be aboot ready tae top yersail noo, eh?
Dust? This isnae dust. This is just a wee bit stour.
Huv ye told the wife whit's happenin yet? Christ, she'll kill ye when she gets hame!